A gift

Suppose I was able to give you a one-of-a-kind car, one that not everyone can have.  Yes, it would be free to you.  What would it be, a Ferrari, Lamborghini, Bentley?  Before you could accept this car, you would have to sign a form that states you will take care of this car to the best of your ability, including any required maintenance, forever.  Would you do it?  Would you Wash it, pamper it, love on it?

Most of you, I would assume, would say yes!  We could change the subject to a one-of-kind home or whatever.  The point is, you would take something no one else had for free and take care of it forever. Right?

Now, change the subject from a car or house to a baby.  I have had friends who have lost their young children to tragedy and other friends who want nothing more than the opportunity to conceive, yet cant. As a parent, I am saddened by the number of people who take parenting for granted.   All too often people take our children as anything less than magical. Some parents don't even want to be a part of their child's life.  I am not sure they truly realize the one-of-a-kind gift they were given. Maybe they don't understand how lucky they really are.  I'm sure you know someone who is unable to have children, you probably feel strongly that they would be amazing parents.

Did you know that only 10% of women over 40 can conceive?  How about couples ages 29-33 with a normal functioning reproductive system have only a 20-25% chance of conceiving in any given month. After six months of trying, 60% of couples conceive without medical assistance.

Those are staggering numbers and one in which I am humbled by.  I am one of the lucky ones while others are not.  My hope? For those who are lucky enough to conceive, please don't take it for granted.  What you have is truly special, one-of-a-kind.  Don't take my word for it though.  Ask someone who can't conceive, I'm sure they will tell you all about it.

A Mad..Mad World

As a parent, we see the world differently.  If you are a parent, you can certainly understand what I mean.  I remember a very good friend of mine making a comment to me, “This world is mad” he said.  For many reasons, I must agree.  The amount of hatred, jealousy and negativity around us has driven our world absolutely mad.  The minute he said that to me was an “ahah” moment.  As I was driving home this weekend, I looked back to see my daughter asleep in the back seat.  It was a peaceful image that is far different than the one our world is teaching. 

Our world is teaching children and adults to judge based on appearance, social status and the “stuff” that we have.  It’s almost certain that you or your child have experienced or have been bullied in your lifetime.   If a child is overweight/underweight, wear glasses, have different clothing, part of a minority group, go to a new school or are unable to buy the “cool” things for your child, he/she is at a higher risk of being bullied. 

This world is mad, jealous and hateful to the tune of approximately 2.1 million bullies and over 2.5 million victims.

Children who bully other children lead to bullying in their adult life and unfortunately, bullying is one of the leading causes of death in children 14 years and younger.  We, as parents, have the biggest opportunity to end bullying. If nothing else, we have the ability to equip our children with the means of surviving. I thought I would share the things I do with my daughter to equip her with the tools needed to live in this world.

1.     Talk to your child about bullying

a.     I talk to my daughter about bullying and why children do it.  As with most things, the more open we are with our children and inform them of what bullying is, the better chances are they can see it before it happens and possibly avoid it.

2.     Show your children sufficient attention

a.     Psychology tells us jealousy comes from a lack of sufficient attention.  As carefreeparenting.com states, jealously does not arise because the parents are paying more attention to someone else; but because they have not paid enough attention to the child.  Honestly, I come home sometimes and want to lay on the couch doing nothing.  When my daughter comes up to me and ask to play a game of UNO, I can’t be selfish and say no.  I too have to make sure that she has quality time with me as well.  Maybe one day I can beat her, it doesn’t happen often.

3.     Positive reinforcement

a.     Let your child know they are doing a great job and never compare them to their siblings or others.   My daughter thrives off this.  I also love the feeling I get when she sees I am happy with her.

4.     Teach your children to admire differences

a.     Everyone is different, a simple fact we all know.  Think of Ray Charles.  Sure is he blind however his gift in music is without question.  Avoid conversations pointing out differences to others with your children.  I talk to my daughter like I talk to adults.  I don’t treat her any different and that includes this subject.  We talk about difference and that they are what make each of us unique.  I’ve even asked her what she thinks the world would be like if everyone was the same.  She just looked at me, haha.

5.     Teach your child their self-worth, increase self-esteem

a.     Self-worth and self-esteem can be boosted by getting your children involved in activities, having them experience disappointment and allowing them to make mistakes.  This is massive.  Often times, we fear failure even though we get more success from failure than without it.  Allowing my daughter to fail is hard yet required.

6.     Be positive

a.     The negativity, hatred and jealousy can be offset with a positive mindset.  Be positive about everything, I assure you, this will change the way your child looks at our world.  I am a positive person and squash my daughters negative comments immediately.  Even the thought of negative remarks in our mind can lead us to do things we shouldn’t do. 

7.     Show your child unconditional love

a.     In the world of instant gratification, it is important to show your value in hard work.  I try my best to always recognize the hard work my daughter puts in.  Even when she does something that gets her in trouble and I send her to her room.  I always go back, sit with her on her bed and talk to her about what she did and how we can avoid it in the future.  I never get up without telling her how much I love her and how special she is.  Then we hug.  It really is the best thing ever when she smiles after getting into trouble -  the power of love.

8.     Teach the use of “No”

a.     As parents, we do not like for our children to say no to us but there are plenty of times in which “No” should be used, even to adults.  Help them understand the difference, there is a difference.

9.     Teach your child about god and the bible

a.     You don’t have to be religious or even spiritual to learn from a bible.  Even if it is to “do unto others as you want done to you”.

10.    Practice what you preach

a.     I saved this one for last as I feel it is the most powerful of all.  I teach my daughter not only by the words I speak but also my actions.  My thinking is simple, if I put my actions and words together, the result is far stronger than "walking the walk".  

These most likely will not keep them from being bullied or being around negative, jealous or hateful people.  I can only hope however, it hopefully will give them the tools and confidence to handle the situation appropriately.  Interestingly enough, these could be used for adults as well.

Just as a coach prepares their team, parents should prepare their children.  The tools are right in front of us and don't cost a dime  All you have to do is… DO IT!  What do you say?

If you do other things that are not on my list, I would love for you to share them below.  I am always looking for more tools to help our children grow strong and confident.

The video below is amazing and sends a very powerful message. I hope you take the 15 minutes needed to watch..

All you need is …..

I opened my eyes this morning to the bright smile of my daughter.  Her eyes were wide and her energy was high as she woke me and said Good Morning!  I said "Well, aren't you a happy girl!!"  Her response?  "Well of course daddy!".. I got out of bed and headed towards the kitchen to make homemade french toast.  As we prepared to make our breakfast, we dunked the bread into the mix we made and placed it onto the griddle, she giggled at me and said "Daddy, you forgot the spray.. its going to stick" as she laughed out loud.. She was right!

After breakfast I had a minute to sit down while she was eating and I thought about the happiness she displays yet it seems that for every person I know who is happy, I see or hear of at least ten who are not.  A quick glance at my Facebook feed will bring up at least one or two pretty quick.  "I hate my job" kind of comments.  I wondered, why does my daughter have so much happiness where as others have little to none at all.

Generally speaking, most children are happy as are those who ware intellectually disabled.  Now, I am not a psychology major nor do I claim to know the science behind those who are happy and others who are not.  You see, they don't connect to the world around us in the way in which we connect.  I think this is a blessing really.

Go ask a child why they are you so happy.  I am willing to bet they will tell you they don't know.  They are just happy.  Doesn't that sounds like a great place to be?  Now, fast forward 15-20 years and ask someone why they are happy, your response will be totally different.  Things like modern marketing and the mindset of "keeping up with the Jones" have driven us to think that the things or "stuff" we buy will make us happy.  "If only I had… I could be happy" … How many times have you heard that?  When they happen to get what they thought would make them happy, they end up not being any happier than they were before.  This is the pursuit of happiness in my mind.

Instead of a lifestyle of happiness we seem to have a "pursuit" for happiness, as if it were a goal.  Why do we need to pursue happiness when happiness can be had, right now?  There are people who don't have a roof over there, food on the table and a job who are not as happy as some homeless people who have nothing. Why? Because they are thankful what what little they do have.  They are thankful to be alive.

Don't go out and try to buy happiness because honestly, we can't buy it as happiness is not extrinsic.  Instead, happiness is intrinsic, it is what we have inside us.  Instead of looking out at the world to find happiness, I challenge people to look within.  Find happiness not in what you don't have but what you do have, right in front of you.  You can always find happiness in gratitude, not attitude toward what you don't have.  

If you lead a life of gratitude, you will be thankful for what you have and will be a genuinely happier person.  When you are happy, people will like you more, you will push away negative people and I would even be willing to bet better things will come your way.

We only have one life, how do you plan to live it?  Remember, being happy is a choice just as being mad that the world or the people within it treat you unfairly.. what choice will you make?

When passion just doesn't seem to be enough!

In my previous post (Don’t waste another moment) I discussed how you need to be steadfast when you set out to accomplish something.  You need to drive through the obstacles life loves throwing at you that try to slow you down by getting in your way.  I don’t know about you but when I finally get the itch to do something, I get that “britches on fire” feeling - I am READY to roll.  I dive head first into that vein and relentlessly pursue my objective.

I bought a new house last year and boy was I excited.  I had a thousand projects I wanted to complete.  I wanted to paint, replace light fixtures and faucets and on and on and on.  As I was moving in, my motivation and passion was second to none.  I felt as if I had a IV drip of red bull constantly feeding me energy.  I was painting this and painting that.  I was replacing this and replacing that but eventually, things began to slow down as did the completion of my projects.  I’m sure you have been there, right? 

You see, passion as I often thought about, was the end all be all.  I would say something like, “If you are passionate, you will get it done.”  As I began to think and study this more, I soon realized that I had it all wrong.  Well, at least most of it.  Passion alone will get you a trip to Lowe’s to buy paint so that you can repaint a room.  Passion alone will start momentum but it is only part of the equation.  If you want to succeed, to push your limits and grow, you need more than passion.  You need discipline and commitment.  I remember hearing someone say, “Passion will keep you moving as long as things move quickly and results are noticed”.  When results begin to slow down, this is when discipline and commitment take over.

Think about this, how many times have you started a project and as soon as it got boring, you found your passion started to dwindle.  Maybe you got the wall painted but got bored when you had to wait for the first coat to dry so you put it off.  I truly feel one of the biggest differences between those who ultimately succeed and those who do not is how you handle the boring times.  That moment when progress is not evident is when most fall off the wagon - especially when progress is related to things like fitness where a lot of effort is required. 

To add, we live in a society where instant gratification is important, for better or worse.  We want it now! now! now! and will pay/do anything if we can get it now.  You have been there - you order something online and struggle with the delay of receiving what you ordered.  I also feel we get what we ask for but often don’t understand what we ask for.  As I have to tell myself, things worth having are worth waiting for and working for. Some goals are easy to accomplish while others may take months or even years.  The journey may be long however what you learn in the process is invaluable.  Don't find the easy way out, while you might reach the goal quicker what you lose is the lessons you learn along the journey.  Life has something to teach you every single day.  Take advantage of the learning opportunities that constantly surround you.

Many people will tell you that a goal is only a dream until you write it down.  If you struggle with the boring moments or those times were progress is not evident or slow, look at the goal you wrote down and think about how it’s going to feel when you finally get there.  It may not be easy but I assure you, if you stay true to your goals and fight through the no-so-fun times, the payout at the end will be great.

So I ask you – are you going to buckle when things get tough or are you going to dig deep with discipline and commitment to see your goal out?  To succeed is a choice as is to fail... which will you do?