Are there really Generational gaps?

The great debate about generational gaps are still taking place today.  A simple google search presents hundreds of thousands of results about how we should “categorize” people based upon their age.  Beliefs are a funny phenomenon.  When we do not have a belief about something, we will likely accept anything that seems to fit. Even when it might not fit exactly right.  I think of this like a hole in the ground.  We can fill it up with dirt but it never fits perfectly back in the hole.  The dirt takes up the space however not as it did.  This new belief is then reinforced by others who carry the same beliefs.  Thus, here we are, believing that generational gaps exist.  But do they? 

Have you ever noticed we are more likely to find our horoscope to be true if we read it in the morning than if we were to read it for the first time at night?  There is a reason; by reading our horoscope in the morning, we get to spend the whole day subconsciously seeking out to validate our horoscope.  After all, who doesn't a five star day?  What we focus on we create.  Generational gaps could be no different thanks to “social proof” or believing in something because everyone else does.

So, do generational gaps exist?  I suggest the answer might be no. It is important to note that theories on generational gaps lack empirical scientific support (Costanza, Fraser, Badger, Severt, & Gade, 2012; Giancola, 2006; Parry & Urwin, 2010).

We can all agree that evolution took a very long time to get where we are today.  With generational gaps, are we truly changing human desires in 10 or even 20 years.  Some will say “kids now-a-day are just not committed to any one company”.  Sounds pretty logical considering what we seem to see today in the work place however are we looking deep enough?  Why do young people jump from job to job? Generations are defined by periods of time however many of the research methods include cross-sectional or cross-temporal designs which do not recognize the effects of ones' age.  Constanza, et al. (2012) concluded "where generational differences do exist on work-related outcomes, they are relatively small and the inconsistent pattern of results does not support the hypothesis of systematic differences" (p.391). 

What I seem to find more often than not is that younger people are more focused extrinsically as marketing campaigns drive desires.  When we have a sense of purpose and live a meaningful life, money is not as important.  And some younger people seem to seek the fastest car (to be cool), or the biggest TV as way to fit in or bring attention.  (reminds me of ones’ mid-life crisis.  Between a heightened awareness of mortality due to friends passing and when someone doesn’t have a sense of purpose, they are thought to believe that buying that red sports car will make them happier just like younger people seeking compensation in its highest denomination).  When someone has a focus on money, they will jump from job to job in pursuit of extrinsic rewards vs seeking to live a fulfilled life by holding a position that is meaningful and helps fulfill ones’ purpose. 

What does else research tell us?  Jennifer Deal of the Center for Creative Leadership utilized seven years of research surveying more than 7000 leaders to answer this question.  Her findings?  Generational gaps are simply stereotypes that need to be retired. Deal notes that miscommunication and misunderstanding are largely to blame for the creation of generational gaps.  As a leader, I have managed a range of ages as young as their early 20’s to some in their 60’s.  I can honestly tell you that I do not treat them any different.  Employee engagement scores are high showing they are all satisfied.  Deal notes that there are certain basic truths to keep in mind.  They are:

• All generations have similar values with family topping the list
• Everyone wants respect
• Leaders must be trustworthy (regardless to generation, many trust the organization and those they are in direct contact with more than they trust upper management)
• Organizational politics negatively impacts all generations
• No generation is accepting to change more than another
• Loyalty depends on context (close to retirement or not)
• Everyone wants to learn (five development areas shared across all generations are leadership, skills training, problem solving, decision making, team building and communication)
• Everyone appreciates feedback. 

This conversation also reminds me of Self-Determination Theory (Deci and Ryan) which suggests that individuals have three intrinsic motivators.  They are competence (mastery), autonomy (freedom in their position), relatedness ( their purpose).  I see these related to all generations as well.  When someone (regardless of age) has the ability to master their skills, the freedom to do their job how they want to and understand how their work aligns with a greater good, they are intrinsically motivated.

In the end, generational gaps appear to be nothing more than stereotypes like those of gender and ethnic stereotypes which are hurtful and damaging.  Simply put, leaders should treat individuals as individuals (being respectful and understanding) and not as belonging to a certain generation.  I would hypothesis that while there are different influences in respect to generations, the very core of our being has not changed at all, only that which is on the surface.

What are your thoughts on generational gaps?  If you feel that generational gaps do exist, in what context would that be?  Do you agree with the findings of Jennifer Deal, Costanza, Giancoal and others??  

For additional information, visit the Center for Creative Leadership Website at www.ccl.org

Costanza D. P., Fraser, R. L., Badger, J. M., Severt, J. B., & Gade, P. A. (2012). Generational differences in work-related variables: A meta-analysis. Journal of Business Psychology, 27(4), 375-394. DOI 10.1007

Giancola, F. (2006). The generation gap: More myth than reality. Human Resource Planning, 29(4), 32.

Parry, E., & Urwin, P. (2010) Generational differences in work values: A review of theory and evidence. International Journal of Management Reviews, 13, 79–96. DOI: 10.1111/j.1468-2370.2010.00285.x

Cause and Effect

What do you do when you want to change a situation?  Let’s take for example, your teeth.  You go to the dentist and they inform you that you have cavities.  What do you do?  Right… of course, you have the cavities filled by your dentist.. That’s what most of us do.  The question is, is that "all" you should be doing? 

I’d like to present a different perspective on resolving and/or changing situations.

So how do we do this?

First we must change the way we see situations.  Most of the time, we try to manipulate or adjust the situation at hand however this doesn’t necessarily lead us to improvements.  Instead, I would like to ask you to break the situation down into “cause and effect”.

In the example above, the effect is cavities.  Working with the effect only is the equivalent to being reactive.  Instead of looking at the effect, how about looking at the cause.  For example, the cause of cavities could be inadequate brushing of your teeth and/or poor diet.  This is where proactivity can help eliminate/minimize the likelihood or potential of a situation.  Instead of only getting the cavities filled, focus on the cause.  Brush your teeth more consistently and take your time.  Make sure food doesn’t sit in your teeth for long periods of time and floss often.  By handling the cause, the effects are improved.

Life is no different.

• When you get in an argument- that is actually the effect.  The cause?  This is most likely your thinking; how you are processing information.  What are you getting frustrated about? 
  • Instead of getting frustrated, breath... and relax.  To get a different result, you must change your thoughts
• When you get fired, that is the effect.  The cause could be that you are notoriously late, or insubordinate or maybe the was a reduction in your workforce.
• When you find that you can’t do something.  The effect is you end up not doing something.  The cause could be your belief that you can’t do it.

The power is in the cause.  The change comes from the way you see things and how you think (cause).  If you do not like the effect.  You can’t just change it..  Instead, change the cause to be positive and your effect will change as well.

The Day I Was “Blessed” With Unexpected News

I have been asking my mom to write a bit about her story.  I am sooo thankful she was willing to share.. 

Most people probably wouldn’t entitle a blog that way considering the unexpected news was Stage 2b breast cancer, with 20 lymph nodes removed, it had been in 11 of them.  And, honestly, if I had written this five years ago, I probably wouldn’t have entitled this blog a blessing either.  But that was five years ago…..

As a little bit of background on myself, I should explain I have a reputation for being a tough lady and “life” survivor, having come from an alcoholic fueled and abusive childhood. I didn’t succumb to that though as an adult…instead, it pushed me to change my future.  I had zero control as a child, so I had to let that go.  But what I did have control of was my future.  I knew from an early age that my life would be different and my children would have a healthy, stable environment, abundance of love and all the security they would need to become healthy minded, loving and productive adults.  I would not repeat that pattern of growing up…..I would break that cycle.   

And somehow, through the grace of God, I did.  Life is about timing so often. So, I don’t take full credit for changing my future.   But more than that, it’s about faith and hope.  In other words, the stars have to align for a cycle to be broken.  Some luck, lots of determination and surrounding yourself with positive, Christian and loving people…..and never ever giving up!  That becomes your new family. Not by plan intentionally, but it ended up being who I was drawn to…positive, uplifting people.   And I’m thankful for each and every one of those friends that mentored me or picked me up and carried me when I didn’t think I could do it anymore.  Having left home at 17, senior year of high school, I went to school a half-day and worked two jobs to pay my bills.  But it was better than going home.  I never then, nor today, look at that as anything special.  It was just the next step in my taking control of my life.  Hard…absolutely.  Tears…nearly everyday.  Scared…only of being alone at night at 17.  Nothing about the future looked scary to me, or daunting.  Again, just the next step in finding happiness.  I look back now and have no idea how I did it.  But, with determination and the mindset of accepting nothing less than finding happiness and a different life, it felt natural.  I think that it’s all in how we look at the future that makes it seem daunting, or it doesn’t.  We get to choose.  

My mom in High School.   She is in White. Prom (1976)

That brings me to the news of five years ago.  Life was going along pretty normal when I felt the lump.  I didn’t panic, because I never panicked about things.  But with the mammogram the next day, came the semi tractor-trailer that hit me.  A kind and sweet older lady was looking at her screen while she performed the mammogram.  At the end, she asked if she could say a prayer for me.  I cried and bowed my head.  It was a beautiful gesture, but honestly I don’t remember a word of the prayer.  My heart stopped and my pulse raced, because she told me what I feared the most…by only asking me if she could pray. 

The next couple of weeks were filled with tears, doctor’s appointments, fears, confusion…and finally the planning.  When I got the definite news it was cancer, my first reaction through my tears was…but, I have so much to teach my grandkids...and my daughter was a senior in high school, I wanted to at least see her off to college.    For some reason, all the fight and positivity I had practiced all my life went out the window. I was numb and crying, when a wise nurse told me that as soon as I had a “plan” I would feel better.  The plan came. And she was right.  It’s because I had some control of something. I knew what my decision would be…bilateral mastectomy.  I wanted them both gone.  If “they” were what was standing between being here for my family or not…take them…sooner rather than later.  And then of course, six rounds of chemotherapy, once every three weeks, to be followed by 33 straight days of radiation.  We chose a wig in preparation.  Made it a fun experience.  But when the hair fell out, I was devastated.  By far the toughest part of it all.  I didn’t know who was looking back at me in the mirror.  No hair, no eyelashes or eyebrows.  No breasts and horrible scars across my chest.  The only way I could get through my showers was by putting on a Christian CD my good friend made me and crying and praying. THEN…I pulled myself together, put my wig on and drew on my eyebrows, and went on to start my day.  Well, my shower was usually followed by reading devotionals and bible versus that sustained me even more first…then, I was ready for the day.   I have kept my granddaughter every Tuesday since she was a baby so that my son, Craig, could take his night classes.  I only missed those Tuesdays on the week of chemo.  The rest of the time, I carried on with keeping her.  I even prepared Thanksgiving dinner and had a house full of family.  Was it easy, no.  I had the chemo brain they warn you about.  It’s real.  Its like walking on a cloud and feeling constantly like an out of body experience for everything I did.  And memory loss was there too.

My beautiful mother with her "wig" ... she always smiled!  (2010)

On one particular day, Craig stopped by to see me.  I got emotional at the sight of him.  After teaching him to pull himself up by the bootstraps and get going his whole life, when I had the chance to “show” him how that’s done….I failed.  I crumbled in his arms.  He wasn’t tolerant at all, and that crushed me.  He told me I had to stop crying, and that I had overcome anything I wanted to growing up…when all I wanted was for him to hold me.  It hurt me then…but I now know that he had grown up just like me.  We weren’t going to cave to anything.  We needed to fight.  Where was MY fight?  I always had fight.  But I figured it out.  All my life from age 17 and on, I had complete control of my life.  For the first time ever, I didn’t.  It was in God’s hands and my doctors and medicine.  That’s a hard thing to swallow when you don’t recognize who you are by the way you are handling things.  I thought, I’m not strong at all, I’m weak.  Why don’t I do what I always did…march on?  But again, I had zero control.  So, I decided to get dressed every day and not let anyone see how badly I felt.  I faked it for almost a year.  Church, my Christian CD, my devotionals and Bible, the calls, the cards, the texts, and family and friends were my strength.  And that’s what I leaned on to do what I could not do myself.  Faith and hope and love.  It sustains us all.  

My hair has grown back, my chemo brain is gone and I’ve even had the chance to be another friend’s strength when she was diagnosed.  But my biggest blessing from getting this news came in the appreciation for every thing I used to think I appreciated.  My husband, Pat.  He’s my rock, my love, my everything.  I would have never made it without him.  He took in sickness and in health to a whole new level.  He saw me at my physically worst self I could be and my weakest emotional self and loved me through it all.  I see him in a different light today when I didn’t think I could love him anymore than I already did.  That’s a blessing.  I see and hear everything my grandkids say and do.  Literally…it’s like their voices are amplified and their kisses are sweeter.  I revel in the admiration for both my children, Craig and Lauren.  I’m so blessed to be here today to see them live out their passions and be such wonderful, loving adults.  Both of them inspire me every single day!  That’s a blessing.  I have more patience.  That’s a blessing.  I see the good in everyone.  That’s a blessing.  I would rather be with my family or travel, then have anything I could buy.  That’s a blessing.  I don’t sweat the small things, as they say.  That’s a blessing.  

I’m more in tune with gratefulness to Him everyday when I wake up.  A life of gratitude instead of hecticness and stress.  That’s a blessing.  My life is like a rebirth…it is full of love and happiness from my heart to others.  That’s a blessing.   I love and I am loved.  I am happy and I am healthy.  I am grateful.  Not everything about a diagnosis is bad…we just have to “be still” as my daughter Lauren says when she needs to lean on God for guidance.  We just need to be still.  

I’ll end with sharing two things that friends gave me that I often pass on…..

One sent a bible verse of a story of Jesus feeding the people.  He didn’t give them a loaf of bread; he gave them “a slice a day”.  I taped that to my mirror and every day after my shower I would look in the mirror and ask God for just one slice of bread today.  And then thanked Him.

Secondly, a friend sent a card that had a profound handwritten note in it.  She was a cancer survivor herself.  She said….there is a great life after cancer.  

I say, Amen!

Mom... Still smiling and loving life... (2015)

I wrote more about Mom and the lessons I have learned here

Red Flag District

Can you believe?  It is almost 2016.  Man, does time fly by!  Let us make 2016 even better by talking through some thoughts on dating and something that has been on my mind lately.  

I once heard someone tell me that men avoid red flags (even though they see them) until after they get into a relationships with that person then things spiral out of control where as women (see the flags and) work to shield off those individuals and then at some point, they give in and totally forget about the flags they originally saw while their friends are saying "ARE YOU CRAZY!?"..

What do you do when there are red flags?

1. When you see one, address it.  Often times we, out of the avoidance of conflict, brush them under the rug while they run around our minds like the tasmanian devil.  Be kind in conversating about it though.  The key to a healthy relationships is communication and if you can't have some of those crucial conversations, a hard road lies ahead.  If you speak inquisitively about it and the other person takes offense to it, take note, this may become a bigger issue later.
2. What you accept, you teach. if you let it go, they will continue.  You teach people every day how you act towards you. 
3. Don't throw the baby out with the bath water.  Just because they have a red flag doesn't mean anything other than they are human.  You will never find someone to fit your laundry list of needs.  Everyone has at least one red flag, just discuss it openly and move on with your relationship.  If you boot them for a red flag without discussing it, you may have missed something magical by not working through it and creating an even better bond.  What may be a red flag might simply be a misunderstanding.  We see the world as we are not as other see it.  This means what we think is a red flag, after talking about it, was a perception issue and quickly fixable.
4. Listen to your gut
   1. If you sense something is wrong, don't ignore it.  Look into it and recognize if this gut feeling is valid or something else going on.  Your first gut feelings is usually a good indicator.  It is when we let the mind get into the process that gut feelings can get overturned by the heart.
5. Sometimes red flags are just too much,  this is something that you must worth through.  If there is too many issues, maybe ...just maybe its best to not continue.  This is a last resort however make sure to do your do diligence on your red flag indicator before shutting it down.  Sometimes the best things come from the hardest situations... If nothing else can be done or the other person isn't willing to budge.. its time to move on..  

So, what does it take to have better relationships?    

1. Learn to enjoy being single
   1. I think this is first and foremost.  When we enjoy being single, we have thus learned that we can be happy on our own.  We can fulfill our own needs therefore we don't rely on other to do it for us. We must be able to take care of our own needs before getting into a healthy relationship. Living a happy single life is absolutely step one to better relationships.
2. Know what is important to you
   1. Do you value honesty, integrity?  Know what you feel is important and should be the standard for which you set.  Just remember the higher you set the bar, the less likely you are to achieve something above the bar.  Keep is simple and while looks are important to some extent.. focusing on looks alone can cause a tremendous amount of problems later on.
3. Choose someone who is optimistic
   1. You become that in which you hang around the most.  A quick glance as someones social media account can validate their normal mental state.  If they post a bunch of negative things, this could be signs of other issues.  This isn't always true however positive people can find the silver lining in someone as sad as death
4. Be the person you want to date
   1. If you want someone who is honest, don't be dishonest.  Sounds easy enough but shooo.. its not always.  Be what you want to be and you will attract like people.  I truly believe in this.  

Lets be honest, we all have our flags.. To one person, one of your traits is a flag while to someone else, it isn't at all.  We are all human and must communicate with each other in a way the other person can understand.  Not everyone communicates the same!  Be open minded, you never know just how well it will pay off in the end!

A DIET Must Read!

You look in the mirror and you do not like what you see, you have continued to put off your own health and appearance to the point your clothes don’t fit and you are unhappy.  Just like millions of other people, you decide to “DIET”.   Fast forward a few days, weeks or maybe months and all of the sudden you find yourself in the “then some” area.  That is, you have gained any weight that you have lost …and then some.  Do you know why?

Dieting is adjusting your food intake.  This could be to decrease fat, sodium, carbs, or even to increase protein in your eating.  The fact is, if you are dieting, you are going to take away things.  No one likes to lose and I mean… NO ONE.  Even if something is bad for you.  I have heard many stories of people who became depressed because they lost weight (by losing fat).  While losing fat is good for you, it is still a loss that could affect the psyche.   There is also a loss in certain foods one may like, if they are unhealthy.  It can lead to a loss of hanging out with friends (an effort to avoid your weakness of eating outside of your diet).  In the end, one ends up binge eating and gaining more weight than they started with.  Often times, this happens without you even knowing it.

Lets face it, you want to diet because it’s the quickest way to see results and most of the time, much more concise on what to eat and what to dump.  I mean, everyone else sees results, it must work!  Right?!?

Research clearly shows that we should not diet.

So what should you do?

1. Start with your mindset – Research shows that those who are dissatisfied with their body are less successful at losing weight.  You can feel good about your body regardless to how you look. point out things you do like about your body.  A positive mindset will present positive results
2. Moderation is key!  Instead of using a diet to cut things out immediately, find a way to slowly take things out.  If you drink 3 cokes a day, drop down to 2 for a week or two.  At this point, work towards 1 and then to 0.  This is not as fast as other options however research is clear, if you want to lose weight and keep it off.  Do it slowly.  Anything that is quick to provide results often goes the other way just as fast.  Be patient, you will receive dividends for it.

Do’s and Don’ts

DON'T deprive yourself – For starters, when we deprive ourselves by eating fewer meals, our body recognizes we don’t eat often and stores food as fat in fear of starving.  Eating very little is hard to sustain, and when you slip up, studies show you will probably massively overeat as a rebound effect.

DON'T count calories – The mental effort required to count calories soon leads to burnout, fatigue and resentment, according to research

DON'T cut out entire groups of food – When we avoid something, we end up wanting it more and create desire.  Dieters who try this end up eating even more of the taboo treats.

DO Find a few healthy means that you like and cycle through them – Creating an enjoyable routine that does not require much thought is a crucial first step on the road to long term changes.

DO make small changes, one at a time. – By waiting until a healthy choice feels like a habit before adding another, you can avoid the mental fatigue that dooms most dieters.

DO focus on what you like about your body – Research shows that people with a positive body image are more successful at getting and stay fit.

DON’T specify weight you want to lose in lb. - Instead of saying “ I want to lose 20 pounds”, say “I want to be 120 pounds” 

Men are not supposed to show emotion?

Men are supposed to be fearless and strong, they are not supposed to be weak, show emotion or appear vulnerable.  We have all heard it.. Men don’t cry nor should they be shy.  Men are Warriors DAMNIT!! I see this every day, men afraid to show emotion.  Instead, they stick their chest out , roll their shoulders back and stand tall and strong and hiding their emotions! Right?   I might be in the minority, this wouldn’t be the first time, however I kind of have an issue with these expectations. 

I had the pleasure of being raised by a very strong mother who taught me, maybe not on purpose, about the power of emotions and love.  I grew up holding my mothers hand, even as I began high school.  I was taught to express emotion and that it was healthy.  I spent years being “hard” though! Society tells us guys are supposed to be this way! It wasn't until later in life that my life drastically change.  I began to feel the pain of holding my emotions in, it was like caging a lion.  That was the point I gave myself permission to be strong, not only in “manly” ways but also strong enough to be ok with showing my emotions.  I wear my heart on my sleeve.  Sad movies tear me up.  Movies like "The Pursuit of Happiness" get me every time.  It is amazing how much more alive I feel by experiencing a range of emotions.  

Spend 5 minutes with me around my daughter and you will see a plethora of emotion, love and vulnerability … the list goes on.  While I understand the Roman times and how men were the protectors, this doesn’t mean that we can’t show emotion.  Some men will say, “I give tough love!”, in their manly voice.  I see so many men afraid to show their soft side as if it is a weakness.  In fact, I would venture to say that not showing ones soft side is an actual weakness.  And lets be honest, men hide them all the time.  The fear of being judged as soft or weak limits men who want to show their emotions from actually showing them.  Don't fear it... Strength comes from understanding that even men are emotional creatures and the suppression of those emotions can be far more dangerous than allowing them to freely roam. 

So what is it I am say?  Men need to show emotions.  Men need to express love and be vulnerability.  Men drop tears, its powerful and shouldn't be held back.  Men need to express love to their spouse and children and anyone else they love, even their friends.  Stop living the expectations of what people have set for men and live your own.  There is even research that states when people show their emotions, they get over them quicker....  The world does need more warriors... this world needs more love!  Be a MAN and show your emotions! 

10 Things To Do After A BreakUp

Let’s be honest…breakups are hard, even when you are the one that broke it off.  After all, a loss is still a loss even when it is for the better.  Not only are breakups hard, getting to that point can even be more difficult.  So when you decide enough is enough and you cut the relationship, what next?

1. First and foremost.  There is NOTHING wrong with you, remind yourself of this.  We have had break ups and sometimes feel as if we are a failure because we can’t hold a relationship together.  The truth is, it’s quite the opposite.. When we break up with someone that is not good for us, we succeed!  Why?  Because we can’t get what we want by holding onto what we don’t want!
2. Rejoice!  In times like this, it is easy to be sad.  Instead, remind yourself that you have removed someone that was unhealthy for you.  This takes confidence and boy do you have it! Rejoice in that you have broken the painful chains of that bad relationship that have held you down.
3. Do not immediately go after another relationship.  The old saying “Nothing gets you over one like another” sounds worthwhile but usually ends up causing you to make more mistakes, doesn’t allow you to heal from the old relationship and potentially gets you right back into another bad situation.  Instead, give yourself time to heal.  We all want love, when we lose even bad love and companionship, it hurt.  Recognize that you left your partner because you deserve more and expect more, this is a time for learning and reflecting, not duplicating the steps that got you here.
4. You have a switch, in one direction you have logic and the other you have emotion.  It is important to be as logical as you can about your breakup.   Maybe even write down the things in the relationship you will not tolerate that way when your begin to get more emotional, you have those powerful statements to remind yourself why you left the relationships.
5. Learn what it takes to be happy alone.  More people are in relationships because they are afraid of being alone.  When this happens, we make poor decisions and settle with people we shouldn’t settle with.  Go eat on your own, you will find that you provide yourself with plenty of company and don't worry about what people think.  Take drives in the country alone, its refreshing and will allow you to clear your mind.  It is important to learn how to meet your own needs. 
6. Be aware that all people men/woman are not like your ex.  If you still feel this way, do not move on to dating.  Instead, work though those feelings and rationalize them.
7. Once you are ready to date again…I love saying this because of is power.  “Be the man you would want your daughter to marry” or “Be the woman you would want your son to marry”.  Pretty simple really.
8. One of my favorite book titles to quote is “What we accept, we teach”.  Remember this!  You teach people how to treat you, you build the limits and expectations.  Make sure what you are accepting is what you want to teach.
9. Trust your intuition – The power of the gut is great.  The answer your gut gives you can be overcome with time and thought. If something doesn’t feel right, move on, don't debate it.
10. Only date people who are positive.  A quick check could be to ask someone about their ex.  Do they say negative things about them?  When talking about work, do they complain that things are not fair?  Do they make comments like they are unlucky?  If you see signs of a negative mindset, this is most likely not a good situation for you.  The same goes in reverse.  Positive people like Positive People and misery loves company!  

 

Remember - your happiness should never be reduced at the expense of others.  Because those who want you around..want you happy...SO..Be HAPPY! 

Nice Doesn't Finish Last!

We have all heard it and even possibly used it at some point in our life.  That excuse for why we didn’t get “the girl or the guy”.  Someone we really wanted, we were not able to get and therefore we need to find some level of logic behind it.

Here is the truth, NICE GUYS AND GIRLS do not finish last.  They don’t! and I am going to offer my thoughts on why.

1. It is not that we finish last.  It is that we may want someone who is not at the same place in his or her life as we are.  This is more to do with maturity than age.  Some 20 year olds feel like old souls while some who are 50 still want to party like they are 21.  It will not work to expect them to come to where you are in life.  We can’t be rushed to change our place in life without our own internal permission.
2. When you look back at those you felt didn’t like you because you were “too nice”, you most likely will recognize they are still trapped in their younger life. They may even now be considered “A Mess”. When someone does not want you because you are too nice, consider it a blessing and move on!
3. Yes, there is truth in that people are not very attracted to those that allow others to walk on them yet at the same time being nice doesn’t mean they allow this.  Being nice means you are kind, respectful, thoughtful, considerate, a listener amongst other things. 
4. Let’s be honest, “being too nice” is just a cop-out on their part!  Again, showing their maturity.  It’s more challenging to be honest so these individuals choose something simple to say.
5. When mature people meet someone who is kind, respectful, thoughtful, considerate and is a listener… Amazing things can happen.  Traits like this are less wavering than looks. Yes, one must have physical attraction but mature people understand that it’s our traits that can increase or decrease attraction ten-fold.
6. Nice guys/girls finish last is a victim mentality.  Instead of being a victim, take ownership.  If you continue to find the same situations where you are always the victim, dig deep to find where there is a disconnect.  If you keep meeting cars head on, you are most likely in the wrong lane.  It is time to switch lanes! 
7. There is a difference in being invested, passionate, having a backbone, risk taking, fearing confrontation and being nice.  Being nice doesn’t equal any of that.  Now, one may be nice as well as all of those things however that’s not always the case and shouldn’t be considered  as such.  I know a lot of nice people who are highly passionate, stands their ground and takes risks. 

In the end.. I don’t know anyone who wants to date someone who isn’t nice.. Minus a group of people who feel they are undeserving of someone being nice.  That is a different story.  When you find that you are seeking people who are saying you are “too nice”.  It has nothing to do with you and everything to do with your selection tool.  Look at what you really want, not what you think you want or what others think you want. 

Mature people want you to be a nice person.  So BE NICE anyway! 

#MINDRIGHTMONDAY 7 Tips To Improve Focus

It is said that on any given day, one can have anywhere between 50-70K thoughts.  Think about that for just a moment, 50-70,000 thoughts per day!  If we take 50k, divide that by 16 (avg hours awake per day) and then divide that number by 60 minutes… we find that on any given minute of time, we experience around 50 different thoughts.

So, when you tell me you are struggling to concentrate or focus… That seems pretty easy to understand.  Regardless to business, life or even as a triathlete, a lack of focus or concentration will have a negative impact on your performance, even if you don’t recognize it.   Concentration is act of focusing, which is a learned skill of not responding or being distracted by stimuli which is irrelevant.

The best performance is “present” focus.  When we focus on the past or the future, performance will be greatly reduced (i.e. anxiety, depression).   Honestly, there are only two options when it comes to how we handle stimuli.  We either decrease or increase our attention to it.  Whether one increases or decreases their attention depends greatly on the habits they have created, usually without noticing.  It is not if/when we lose focus, it is how quickly we can stop and regain focus that leads us to higher performance. 

The key to focus is in selective awareness, that is, knowing which stimuli to attend to and which to ignore.  The four main areas of focus  include Narrow, Broad, Internal and External.

Narrow – focusing on one single thing with laser beam focus     

Broad – Seeing everything including peripheral

Internal – thoughts and feelings

External - object based (the next tree while running)

The area of focus is solely dependent upon the situation.  Triathletes tend to focus better in the narrow/external field.  

The interesting thing about our focus is we seem to find what we are primed for.  What we focus on or seek, we create.  This also works in reverse.  If I tell you to not focus on the white elephant at the zoo, you will in turn imagine seeing a white elephant.  It’s more important to focus on what you want than to focus on what you want to avoid.  The question is then, if you seem to break your focus by recognizing something, are you subconsciously seeking it? 

It can be hard for triathletes to focus during training and competition due to the long hours spent on both.  The reality is we were never trained on how to focus.  As if we were left to fend for ourselves.  This is your time to put in the hard work.  This is where you can go from good to great!

Here are a few things to help build focus.  Understand this will be challenging for many.  That is why you should WANT to do this.

1. Manage your time appropriately.  Oftentimes we lose focus because have many things going on at once.  Take the time to schedule things out so that you can focus on the task at hand.
2. Take breathers from technology.  We are in the age of instant gratification and over stimulation.  Are you married to your phone or computer?  Do you struggle putting it down for a few minutes?  Take time-outs from technology each day to give your mind a break.  
3. Exercise - While sitting, imagine looking at an object (in your mind only) that has some level of detail.  You can imagine looking at an apple, watch, a pen or whatever you would like. The intent of this exercise it to spend 5 minutes focusing on it, thinking about it.  If you do not have a strong focus, you will find 5 minute to be challenging.  Focus for as long as you can on it, in your mind, and as you notice a shift, stop and go back to the object.  Practice this regularly over and over until you get to 5 minutes.  Once you have accomplished 5 minutes, move to 10 minutes.  Continue to push the time as you get better and better.
4. Count in your mind from 100 down to 0.  This is not as automatic as 0 to 100 so you must think about it.  In doing so, count down until you find yourself shifting away.  Once you shift, go back to 100 and start over again.  You want to be able to get all the way to zero.
5. When you are training, you can use words to help focus.  For example, when you are running.  Continue to say “relax” in your mind over and over and over.
6. As you train, lock onto the sensation of your body as it trains.  Lock onto how it feels on a physiological (total body) level.
7. Focusing is all about self talk, when you are thinking in your head you are really just talking to yourself.  You control your thinking which leads you to focusing on your self talk.  Make sure it is always positive.  Negative self talk is distraction and causes you to lose focus

Whatever it is you are thinking about is your focus.  Choose wisely to ensure peak performance.  Now, get out there and get to work!

I'm Busy!

A quick google search for the word “busy” provide the following definition:

Actively and attentively engaged in work or a pastime:  (Dictionary.com)

Yep, that sounds about right.  One is busy when they are occupied with something.  The question that I have been going back and forth on is.. “How often do we use it more as an excuse than an explanation?”  Looking back retrospectively, how do you find yourself using this word?

I, under full disclosure, find that I have used “busy” incorrectly and unfairly.  I started debating this over the last few weeks only to find that as I evaluate how we use this word, we tend to use it out of avoidance.  Honestly, how much more vague can one get than “I’m busy”?

What I have started to consume and adapt to is the truth.  When we truly want to do something, we find time.  If one is too busy to make it to the gym, this potentially means, “I don’t want to go”.  The lack of interest in something can quickly cause someone to say “I’m busy!”.  Truth be told… how many times have you needed something from someone or asked someone to help with something only to hear “I’m busy” is probably unfathomable.

Now, some people are truly “busy”.  I would never negate the massive amount of work one puts out who is truly busy.  My thoughts are on those, including myself, who have used the word as a protective mechanism.  What we accept, we teach.  It appears that in today’s world, we accept “busy” as a final statement, as a word of safety.  I mean… who questions your level of “busy-ness” to your face?

It seems as if, outside of those who are truly busy, most end up using the word to avoid unpleasant situations or even some sort of responsibility and/or obligation.  So the next time someone tells you they are busy, I bet you are curious as to its meaning.

Problems can arise from using excuses as well as not being 100% honest.  I mean who would ever know, right?  Well, your mind knows and that is enough to cause problems from within.  Over time, it could become easier to make excuses instead of stepping up honestly.  In fact… in some situations, making an excuse like “I’m busy” can become debilitating, especially for those who might be depressed.

Honestly, I vote to remove this word… From this day forward, I am removing it from my vocabulary.  Are you in with me?

#MINDRIGHTMONDAY 5 tips to better performance

Below are 5 tips you will find highly effective at improving your performance if you live them.... not just today, EVERYDAY!

1. Understand the power of rest.  Sleep provides energy to your body including your brain.  Just like recharging the batteries to a cordless drill, the cordless drill can do loads of work however if it is not given time to recharge, it will under-perform.  Did you know that a lack of sleep can lead to weight gain?  Sleeping helps regulate the hormones ghrelin and leptin.  By not regulating these hormones, we feel the need to eat more while awake.  If you think about it.  Sleeping eight hours a day equates to 1/3 of our lives being asleep.  The quality of your sleep will dictate how well you perform the other 2/3rds of your day. Link to more info
2. Your mind should never leave the world of process goals.  The #1 negatively impacting mindset I see in clients is their focus on outcomes.  The belief that you must run X time per leg only leads to an increase in anxiety and could lead to feelings of failure if the time is not achieved.  Want to be your best?  Focus on proper technique; focus on physical fitness that drives efficiency and proper form.  Focus on proper swim technique.  Practice does not make perfect, practice makes habit.  Make sure your processes are in proper form to ensure you compete at your best through great habits.  How you train is exactly how you will perform in a race. Link to more info.
3. Be kind to yourself.  You should talk to yourself like you would talk to your mother.  Be your own inspirational/motivational coach to reach new heights.  You truly have everything within you to be great.  Life comes with challenges, to be alive means you will have issues.  What is important is how quick you bounce back and tell yourself positive thoughts or think about happy moments in your life to change the focus.  Positive thoughts present positive results .... you control your thoughts.  It’s up to you!
4. Recognize the power of belief.  Ask Roger Bannister how he became the first person to run a mile under 4 minutes.  His response is that he didn’t feel there should be an absolute limit on how fast someone could run the mile.  It started in his mind, he cleared the way for his body to achieve what no other human could achieve at the time.  This is why one critical component to achieving the impossible is that you, with everything you have, believe you can do it!  Believing it opens you up to achieving it! Link to more info.
5. Develop solid pre-race routines.  Its important, especially in a high stress/anxiety environment to have something to rely upon.  Roger Bannister even mentioned that it was his routines that helped minimize his race anxiety.  Humans are habit-seeking creature.  We seek habits out of comfort and control.  Include visualization yet many people question the power of visualization.  I quickly ask them to think about a nightmare they once had where they woke up sweating,  an increased heart rate and a sense of confusion.  Visualization is truly powerful and will help propel our performance. 

DEMAND THE IMPOSSIBLE!

#MINDRIGHTMONDAY Define your Destiny

“Your thoughts will become your words. Your words will become your actions. Your actions will become your habits. Your habits will become your character. Your character will define your destiny.”

— Ghandi

Have you ever thought about your destiny?  That, predetermined path in your life? I know I have, I often think about things like this to help spark new creativity, to take me down a road I’ve never experienced before.  As I thought about this last night, I quickly realized this would be a great topic to cover for my Monday blog post.

What if I tell you there is one defining sentence that will show your destiny?  Would you believe me?  This one sentence is like looking into the future.  It is raw and powerful!  That one sentence would be…

“I AM _____________________!”

If you want to know where you are headed… or ….where you are not.. Take a sheet of paper and on each line, write “I AM.. followed by a statement about yourself”  Continue down the sheet by writing as many as you possibly can come up with.

What you have just written is your destiny.  No, Seriously!  It is!  If you wrote things like “I am a terrible runner”, “ I am horrible at swimming”… you will certainly be that and self-sabotage to ensure its accuracy.  The reason we do this is that our minds, like that asshole you work with, always wants to be right.  When we make “I AM..” statements, we are telling our minds what it should expect and because our mind always wants to be right, it is not going to let you do anything else.

The great thing about our destiny is that we can rewrite it… this VERY minute!  Do you want to change your predetermined path in life?  Of course you do!  How do you do it?  Change your thoughts! …here is how.

Take an additional piece of paper and for every negative comment you wrote on the first one, write “ I am… (something positive).” 

For example… 

“I am a terrible runner” is changed to “I run better than many and strive for excellence in my training to be a better runner every day”

“I am horrible at swimming” is changed to “I am a good swimmer taking it to the next level through my commitment to my training”

Once you complete the new list of positive affirmations, read them to yourself every morning (out loud), at lunch and right before you go to bed.  BELIEVE the new statements and you will CREATE them!  It is time to change your destiny and it starts… RIGHT…NOW!

This will lead to an increase in your peformance and your overall happiness! If after this exercise, you are still struggling, feel free to email me at craigwillard@u-discovered.com or call me at 502-771-0721.  We can discuss taking a deeper dive so that you Demand the Impossible and break those chains of limiting beliefs!

Living a single life..

Over the past year, I’ve been living a single life.  The life many seem uncomfortable with, wouldn’t you agree?  I know I was uncomfortable with it too.  Recently, I found myself asking more and more questions about the apparent stigma that is associated with being single as well as the trials and tribulations of living life single. 

I, just like everyone else, have experienced a great amount of pain when I first become single.  The loss of a relationship, good or bad, was still a loss.  No one wants to lose anything.  I felt as if I was never going to meet anyone that I would spend the rest of my life with.  I felt…" destined " to be single for the REST of my life.  As if I were tainted.  The negative self-talk, the doubt and everything else was all too real.  Most of my friends wouldn’t have a clue to these feeling as I internalized them.  I hid them.  I showed my friends that I was strong when really, I was weak (I later learned this was key to my awakening).  I never felt depressed but I did feel a bit lonely, at times.  This is all easier to say now as I no longer live these feelings.  I’ve learned the difference in lonely and being alone.  I’ve learned that being alone (spending time with yourself) is very powerful when you open up to it.

You see, to me… becoming single, like everything in life, goes in stages…If you allow it. Most, seek to bounce back immediately as if we MUST be in a relationship.  We end up developing a relationship identity that drives us to go out and seek another relationship so we are whole again.  As if we are “broken” because we are single.  This is just not true!  AND, the problem with this mentality is that when we seek to bounce back out of fear of loneliness… we will accept less than we deserve.  They say, “nothing gets you over one like another.”  While I have said this myself..  Jumping right into another relationship is like dipping your paintbrush in green paint, making a few lines on the canvas and then immediately dipping the brush in blue paint.  The green paint “taints” the blue paint.  The old relationship ends up messing up the new because one hasn’t had the time to recover and move forward.  O’ the lessons I have learned.  You clean the paint brush of the old paint before going to a different color.

I’ve learned that the fear of loneliness is one of the main things that keep us in bad relationships and accepting new relationships with people we shouldn’t.   I’ve learned, we will hold on to the smallest glimmer of hope or “that one thing he/she does that make me melt” and not recognizing the other parts which could be downright dangerous.  I’ve learned we will stay in relationships because of our children when all we are doing is showing our children what bad relationships look like and that they should accept them too.

As I look back on my past relationships.  I’ve had the opportunity to date some really neat women.  Most of which I am friends with today.  I’ve learned that I truly wasn’t ready to date those individuals at that time and the reason for this was simply my maturity.  I just wasn’t…ready.  I sure thought I was!  As for them?  Well, I can only speak for myself, it is all I can control.

So over the past year.. as I’ve reflected, as I’ve hurt of yet another failed relationship… I’ve grown so much.  And what I’ve learned is there is not death in being single, there is life; a rebirth if you will.  Sure, people say “He is single, there must be something wrong with him!”  The stigma of “people are like parking spots. All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicap!” is just not true… at all.  Through the pain of becoming single, I’ve been awakened.  I’ve developed more self-respect.  I’ve learned of my self-worth.  I am no longer chained to the need of being in a relationship.  I’ve learned to focus on helping others because I love it.  I… AM HAPPY.  I’ve learned that I don’t need a partner to be happy.  I’ve learned that I don’t have to accept less than I deserve and last but not least.. it is absolutely ok to be single.

People can choose to judge me for being single, this judgement is truly a reflection of themselves.  I , am happy.  I live a single life because I chose to until I am graced with the presence of someone I don’t want to live without.  While I am human and have my days of being lonely, the happiness I feel from being unchained to the need of being in a relationship has far outweighed those very few down moments.

So out with the undesirable and desperate stigma and in with the high expectations of yourself.  Become happy with loving yourself.  Become happy with being alone.  Become happy with being single… In return, you will not accept less than you deserve and will have better relationships because of it.  Rememeber that you set the bar for respect. If you don't respect yourself., neither will they.

That pivotal moment in time where you go from “needing a relationship” to “wanting a relationships” is life changing.  

So, no matter the situation..Be Happy.. It’s ok and you deserve it! :-)

#MINDRIGHTMONDAY Get "IN THE ZONE"

Photo by Joshua Hodge Photography/iStock / Getty Images

You have heard of it and most likely you have experienced being “In the Zone” at one point or another.  The question most ask is "why can't I get it?"  The quick answer is because you may be focusing on not having it instead of being open to allowing it to happen.  Athletes, after having a great performance, express this euphoria as an incredible amount of focus.

Being “In the Zone” has been noted as:

• time standing still
• performance seems effortless
• The development of tunnel vision
• The environment became quiet

So how do you get “In the Zone”?

It starts with confidence in that you are prepared for what you are about to do.  When our confidence is low, we tend to use more of the prefrontal cortex (the CEO of the brain) to tell our body what to do and question every action we are performing.  This causes our muscles to become rigid and lack fluidity.  Being in the zone come from automation of our actions.  Automation is presented by our subconscious and our subconscious is trained by process goals.  So, from this statement you can understand the important of focusing on process goals (development of proper technique and mastery skills). 

Research from Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi also adds the following as improving your chances of getting “In the Zone”.

1. Your achievement is internally driven instead of seeing external rewards
2. Goals are clearly defined and understood, you know exactly what is required of you to reach these goals.
3. Becoming completely consumed by the race
4. A strong focus on your target, not the people beside you , in front of your or behind you.
5. Feeling of control as if you can make the outcome you want
6. Feedback is immediate to your actions
7. Action and Awareness are merged as one
8. Failure doesn’t exist, nothing to worry about
9. Your sense of time starts to distort

It doesn’t matter what you are doing, you can experience the joy and pleasure of being “In the zone”.  Csikszentmihalyi points out five ways in which you can help improve your odds of reaching this stage.

1. Goal Setting that have clear and immediate feedback
2. Becoming immersed in the activity you are performing
3. Being present, focusing on being in the moment
4. Enjoy every step of the activity
5. Proportioning one’s skills to the challenge at hand.

Being in the zone doesn't have to be "luck".  Focus in on the points noted above and you will find yourself "In the Zone"!!

Flow - Amazon.com

#MINDRIGHTMONDAY Want to Improve your performance?

Image Credit : www.successcycling.co.uk

What if I told you of something that can improve your performance?  What if it can make you faster, react faster and even improve your accuracy?  What if I told you it is 100% legal?  Would you use it?  First off, do you know what it is?

It’s sleep!  That’s right….Sleep!!  Often times we have so many things to do that we end up stealing minutes and hours from our sleep time.  Maybe you are one that says, “If they only made the days longer.”  So true, right?  Let us think about that a bit differently.  If you stay up later and get up earlier, one potential ramification is the quality of your daily effort might drop because you are tired.  You cannot have optimal performance when you are tired.  I like it thought, I like that you WANT to stay up later and get up earlier because of the fire that burns within you to demand the impossible.  You continue to grind day in and day out doing what others are not willing to do.  With that said, sleep is super important just as food is.  If you work harder than the average person, you will need to sleep more than the average person.  Wait, do you want to be average? I didn’t think so.  You need more sleep!

So, why is sleep so important? This is recover time for your body.  A study performed at Stanford University found that those who added an average of 2 hours of sleep found their speed increased by 5%, they were more accurate, happier and produced faster reflexes.  Thank about this for a second.  Adding 2 hours of sleep to your schedule can potentially increase your speed by 5%.  If you perform at IRONMAN length event in 11 hours, 5%  increase in speed would drop a WHOPPING 33 minutes off your time, with sleep alone! WOW!

I preach daily that process goals are the only path to greatness and the impossible.   Sleep is tremendously important to mastering your processes.  Why?  Being able to master process goals (swim stroke, run technique..) requires you to learn how to perform the technique properly.  When you go to sleep, something called sleep spindles takes place.  Sleep spindles are microbursts of energy the brain uses to move short term memory of the motor cortex (responsible for movement) and places it into long term memory.  Recent research validates that those who have less sleep spindles do not retain as much of their learning as those with more sleep spindles.  This means that with less sleep, you must work harder to master the process skills necessary.  How do you get more sleep spindles?  Sleep longer!

 A few tips to help you along the way.

1. Develop a routine.  Just like our children, we too need a routine.  Especially for solid sleeping habits.
2. As you travel to your next event, especially if you change time zones, make extra time to get used to the new time so that you can get back to your normal routine.
3. Do not take any caffeine within several hours of sleeping.  Caffeine half-life is around 3-5 hours however the effects can last 8-14 hours. It WILL keep you up. 
4. Avoid over-the-counter sleep-aids.  They often carry a hang-over affect leading to significant reduction in your performance the next day.
5. If you struggle with sleeping, seek a mental coach who can help you learn relaxation techniques.

Now it's your turn, Demand the Impossible… GET MORE SLEEP!

#MINDRIGHTMONDAY I am a Champion

Here is the truth, you are a champion and the quicker you get to believing it, the quicker you will see improved results in your performance.  I use this with most of my clients and for good reason.  It absolutely matters.  Research has proved that beyond a certain point, especially in long distance events, talent only takes you so far.  The rest is made up of hard work, commitment to goal setting, resilience and other things. Those things that make up champions

If I had to guess what you are thinking now, it’s that “YOU” can’t be a champion.  If you say that and believe it, you are right.  My question then is, “Why not?”.  It is not the word that matters as much as our personal meaning associated with champion.  As Jerry Lynch states, “…a champion is never something you become…ever.  It starts now by acting as a champion, committing yourself to practicing the habits and ways of a champion… on a daily basis.”  Joseph Campbell this is a hero’s journey, an “up-and-down, gain-and-loss odyssey of self-discovery as you become dedicated to exploring the unlimited boundaries of your full human potential, in athletics and life.”

Champions love what they do and have a purpose.  They are on a mission to see just how good they can become.  As Michael Bolton once said, “To look beyond the glory is the hardest part, for a champion’s strength is measured by heart.”   Champions focus on the process, not the outcome of events.  Champions know that outcomes do not make a person, its their heart, their commitment, their personal level of excellence within.  Champions fully understand what they can and can’t control.  Champions understand the need for a deeper more personal level of energy which brings intensity, excitement and joy instead of pressure, anxiety and tension.  Just remember, internal victories last a lifetime.  Its within you right now, go ahead... look in thr mirror and verbally tell yourself that you are a champion.. Because you are!

 As an athlete, I highly recommend reading  “The  Way of the Champion” by Jerry Lynch, Ph.D.  This book is absolutely amazing and should be something you reference as needed. 

#MINDRIGHTMONDAY The Power To Believe!

Everyone has dreams however, one of the key mental components to transitioning dreams into reality is your belief that you can actually do it.  The power of belief is so strong that the lack of it will debilitate you.  You can absolutely do anything you want to do as long as you believe you can do it and create action towards it.  When you believe you can accomplish anything and have a strong desire to do it, you will.  For many people, belief is just not there.  We have negative self-talk because we always screw up, self-doubt because we can’t ever get it right, anxieties regarding proper preparation or proper training, shame for letting our family and friends down due to our assumed poor results and even depression because of things in the past.

If you have worked with me in coaching or heard me speak, you know I speak heavily on living in the moment.  We can only have one thought at a time, it needs to be positive in order to receive positive results.  When we work well enough on our processes that they become automated, they work from our subconscious mind.  If things go haywire without automation, we then turn to our conscious mind who then likes to question every single thing you do.  When people do without thinking, that gift is from the subconscious.  The subconscious is a great listener.  What you speak, it hears and stores, be it good or bad thoughts.  Those begin to create your habits, good or bad. 

So how do we improve your belief?  One way is to talk to your subconscious mind in a positive manner, its listening to you.  If there is something want to accomplish yet you do not believe you can do it… Follow this exercise to break through:

• Take a piece of paper and at the top, write down what you want to accomplish yet don’t believe you can.  Below it, I want you to write down all the things you have within you right now that will allow you to complete it.  Take your time and be thorough.  This is your self-affirmation statement.  I want you to go in front of a mirror and read it aloud.  Read this as soon as you get up in the morning and before you go to bed.  Talk to yourself in a heart felt way, it must be meaningful.  If you are struggling with this, pretend you are writing to your friend (who is really you) and tell them all the things they have within them RIGHT NOW that can help them accomplish the goal.  

Its easy to forget all the tools one has in their toolbox,  this is a great exercise bring those tools to the surface.  Be a Champion!

#MINDRIGHTMONDAY Are you a Perfectionist?

All perfectionism is not created equally.  Let me say that again, all perfectionism is not created equally.  Some call perfectionism “The Athlete’s Achilles Heel” however statements like this do not speak of the whole picture.  While some forms of perfectionism can be the Achilles heel for some athletes, other forms of perfectionism can provide for highly positive consequences.

Research has hypothesized that there is actually two forms of perfectionism, maladaptive and adaptive.  Maladaptive perfectionism is the setting of high standards while focusing on mistakes made and the evaluation of others leading to over-training, poor performance and burnout.  Adaptive perfectionism is also the setting of high standards while minimizing the focus on mistakes and the opinions of others.  Adaptive perfectionism has been associated with higher performance and improvements in learning while having more adaptive goals.

As noted in the Foundation of Sports and Exercise Psychology:

• Perfectionist standards do not automatically undermine performance and with the right goal focus, can lead to optimal performance.
• Perfectionistic standards become debilitating when their attainment is needed for self-validation
• Perfectionism is thought to be especially negative in times of failure
• Perfectionist are at a greater risk if they have poor coping skills.
• Perfectionistic demands emanate from with individuals themselves or from others
• A relationship exists between a child’s level of perfectionism and his / her parents level of perfectionism.  Children who’s parents model their own perfectionism or provide conditional approval of the child’s attempts of achievement are more likely to have perfectionistic tendencies.

Adaptive perfectionism has been linked to approach achievement goals. Approach goals focus on achieve competence and mastery (process goals) whereas maladaptive perfectionism has been linked to avoidance achievement goals.  Avoidance achievement goals focus on avoiding incompetence. For example, Adaptive perfectionist focus on improving their process goals (e.g. running gate) to be able to improve their performance by being more efficient whereas maladaptive perfectionist want to improve their process goals so they don’t run slower than they did before or to ensure they are not beat by someone.  Adaptive perfectionism is the positive approach to focusing on mastery of their skills in order to improve their performance whereas maladaptive perfectionism is associated with a negative mindset like the fear of failure and negative reactions when not performing perfectly.

Adaptive perfectionism

• Appreciates accomplishments
• Have fun, enjoy the process
• Focus on process goals (process oriented)
• Motivated to succeed
• Work on bettering your best
• Happy
• Mistakes are going to happen, learn from them
• Doing your best is good enough.
• Success judged upon your personal ability to learn new skills and mastery
• Hopeful
• Positive mindset

Maladaptive perfectionism

• Seems like Work
• Values some, if not all, accomplishments as not valulable due to some internalized belief.
• Motivated to not lose to others (avoidance)
• Unhappy, never good enough
• Not Hopeful
• Fear of failure
• Mistakes are not acceptable
• Doubt
• Success judged by comparing themselves to others
• Avoid challenging goals yet adopt easier or extremely difficult goals, This drives a sense of certainty. Easy goals will be achieved and extremely hard goals will not be met. Oftentimes, there is a backup plan as one prepares to fail
• Focus on mistakes
• Outcome performance oriented
• Burnout

The key to improved performance in the mind of a perfectionist is to be adaptive. Maladaptive perfectionism can be overcome by evaluating your internal belief structure. 

Here is one way to work from maladaptive to adaptive perfectionism-

Take a piece of paper and draw a line down the middle.  On the left side, write down things like your self-talk (what you say to yourself), write down the beliefs you have about yourself and your ability to perform.  Now, on the right side, debate each and every point you made on the left.  What you will find, if you focus and look deep enough is that the thoughts on the left are irrational beliefs whereas the points on the right are true rational beliefs.  When you focus on the rational points, you will make positive steps towards becoming adaptive.  The point is to see things as they really are and not as you see them now.  Focus on improving each day, focus on processes, accepting that as long as you gave it your all, it was good enough.  And, judge yourself only against yourself, not others. 

If you are unable to transition yourself to becoming adaptive and you are ready to gain the mental edge, give me a call at 502-771-0721 or email me at craigwillard@U-Discovered.com

#MINDRIGHTMONDAY Under-performing?

Do you find that you under-perform in competition?   This can be a very frustrating situation.  All the hard work you put into training only to find that when competition comes, you can’t quite get the same performance.   What could be going on?   It is not as if you forgot how to run, bike and/or swim.   You are not under-performing because of your physical state.  You are under-performing because of your mental state.  Where your mind goes the body always follows.  Under-performing is one of the key signs to seeking mental coaching.

So, what is really going on?  Odds are your reduction in performance is based upon your fear of failure, potentially on a sub-conscious level.  There is something under the surface that is holding you back based upon some level of fear.  Maybe you are afraid your times will not be good enough.  Maybe  you feel your peers will look at you as a failure or as not good.  This could include disappointing people by letting them down.  This could include friends, family, others in the game and even sponsors.   Maybe you want the respect of others and you are afraid your results will not be enough.  You could also fear that you are putting in all the training and the payoff will not be there in competition.  This is a relentless cycle.  We know that what we focus on we create.  In this situation, we focus on not getting the results we want therefore, in focusing on it, we create the results we don’t want.

When you worry about what others think you end up being conservative.  Playing it safe keeps you from trusting in your training and leads you to “avoid” mistakes because in order to gain acceptance, you may feel you must be perfect. Does this ring a bell?

In looking at this differently, your fears could be based on how much you care.  I say this to everyone, if you are not having fun, why are you doing it?  Your mental state should be enjoying the race.  If you care too much about the outcome of competition to the point you focus on it, bad things usually arise.  Focus instead on the processes in training; your training should be to a point where you race on autopilot.  This allows your mind to truly take in the moment and enjoy it.  Have fun and allow the outcomes to take care of themselves.

If you struggle to remediate this on your own, give me a call at 502-771-0721 or signup for a session here .  We will get you back to your peak performance!

#MindRightMonday Stuck in a Slump?

You know that feeling, right?  When you feel like you have hit a wall and everything feels like it has to be forced.  We often think of this as a slump.   One thing is for certain, if you have not hit one before, you will at some point in your life.  Slumps don’t just happen overnight, they happen over a period of time until which point it begins to become visible to the mind.  Slumps often appear to happen all of the sudden but they don’t.   What you do with yourself during a slump has a direct correlation to how long you will sit in a slump. 

What do you usually do when you hit a slump? 

Do you get irritated?  Maybe your self-talk goes south or you feel discouraged…as if it is not worth all the hard work.  This is not where you want to pull the eject cord.  A part of life is having problems so in order to live, we must face them, not run from them.  There is power in you so great that you can overcome this. 

So how do you overcome a slump?

First, you must tell yourself that slumps don’t really exist.  You heard that right!  Slumps really don’t exist.  It is not like you all of the sudden forgot how to swim or bike.  It is your emotional state in which is triggered by not performing to expectations, most likely your own.  What you focus on you create more of and when in a slump, you obviously will spend a ton of mental energy thinking about the slump.   This can cause loads of stress and anxiety.  When our stress levels or anger gets too high, the  part of the brain used for problem solving is turned off which leads to the inability to “think your way out of it.”  By recognizing you have a “slump” , you are really living in the past.  The  past is place in which no longer exists and a place in which you no longer have control of.  That time period is over and you are burning your thoughts of the past in your present state.  You can only have one thought at a time and if you are spending that thought thinking of the past, you will continue to live in your “slump.”  Poor performance happens anytime we live in our past or in the future.  Peak performance can only be had by living in the present moment. 

Things you can do to rid yourself of the slump:

1. Breathe!  Just relax. 
2. Go back to the basics by focusing on Process Goals. Stop placing pressures on yourself from outcome goals (pressure cooker!) - Click here for more info!
3. Focus on the positive comments, do not allow negative comments to creep into your mind
4. Work on your internal confidence (click here for the link) especially the positive self-talk
5. Do not force things,  trying too hard will certainly lead to bad outcomes.

Nothing physically has changed during a slump, what has happened is your mind has taken a dive south and where the mind goes, the body follows.  No matter how bad things get, never QUIT, never GIVE UP.  Keep your chin up and follow along with the steps above.. You got this!